Yes, welcome. My name is, of course, Michael Greenwald, and last Tuesday, I sat down in a ratty, cramped, cluttered, window-less, decaying-feet-smelling office at 606 Michigan Avenue in Chicago with the relatively unknown author, MJ Greenwald, for an interview. While he drank bourbon at ten o’clock in the morning (“beer before ten is my rule”), I asked him questions about his interests, writing projects, his professional contortionist career, and anything else that came to mind. What follows is an unedited discussion with the self-professed Biggest Writer in America.
(This interview is divided in 3 parts. This is Part 1)
Michael [clears throat]: Question one. I have to admit it, I’m really nervous.
MJ: Don’t be, man. It’s not like I’m Stephen King. No one will read this.
Michael: That’s true. I see you brought a bottle of Kentucky bourbon. Any favorite kind?
MJ [picks up bottle of bourbon and pours a couple fingers into a glass and gives it to Michael]: Try it.
Michael: Oh, I shouldn’t. I’m working.
MJ [points to the stack of legal pads on his desk]: Hell, so am I. Come on.
Michael [takes sip of bourbon]: Wow! This is great! What is it?
MJ: Hell, if I know. On the way to the office this morning, I saw some homeless guy passed out at on a bus stop bench and I lifted it off him.
Michael: That doesn’t sound right.
MJ: I’m a writer, you think I can afford my own bottle?
Michael: I don’t know if I should laugh or tear you a knew one.
MJ: If I had a penny every time I heard that.
Michael: What? You could buy your own bottle of bourbon.
MJ: And get the homeless population of Chicago sufficiently snookered all winter.
Michael: At this point, I’d just like to let the readers know out there that the opinions expressed by MJ Greenwald are not those of Viacom Corporation or any of it’s subsidiaries. Okay, lets start this interview. I’ll kick it off by asking, does this interview format seem odd to you?
MJ: Hmmm. Maybe a little. I know my agent tried to talk me out of doing this, but I’ve never been one to listen to my handlers. My philosophy for most things in life is to get drunk and see what happens.
Michael: You have handlers?
MJ: Oh, yeah. A whole slew: Charmaine Blake is my publicist; Tammy Hunt is my manager; T. Sticky Fingers, formally employed by Snoop Dogg, is my blunt roller; Trixie and Gretchen are my lady-candy; oh, and Ari Gold is my agent.
Michael: Wow. I don’t have any handlers. How does one get a handler?
MJ [grins]
Michael: A professional handler, I mean.
MJ [grins wider]
Michael: MJ, knock it off. How does one get an agent?
MJ: Just go to whorepresents.com. There’s a search engine where you can find an agent, publicist, or manager to fit your needs. I highly recommend Gold as an agent. He’s been with me since I started writing cotton-candy detective shorts in Miss Hurley’s fifth grade English class.
Michael [writing whorepresents.com on the back of an envelope] Hey, isn’t Ari Gold a fictionalized agent on HBO’s Entourage?
MJ: Best agent I’ve ever had.
Michael [sees something scurry out from behind a stack of books and zip under his chair.] What the hell?
MJ: Rat.
Michael: I noticed.
MJ: They won’t bother you unless you offend their sensibilities.
Michael: Rats have sensibilities?
MJ: Oh, sure. All animals do. Just because they can’t articulate them in human-speak doesn’t mean they don’t have them. Like that rat. His name is Boris. And he’s cool, unless you mess with that pile of Russian lit there. [points to a stack of twenty thick hardcovers]. I had a cleaning lady at one time and she moved the Russian books to the shelves [points to shelving behind him, which is empty except for two headless Barbie dolls and a bag of Doritos]. Next time she came to clean, Boris bite her. She got all mad at me, too. Like it was my fault. Boris is his own rat, you know.
Michael: So, you’re the self-professed Biggest Writer in America, what does that mean exactly?
MJ: Anyone can be the BEST writer in America. I’m vying to be the BIGGEST writer in America. I eat McDonald’s four time a day and Taco Bell twice. I am on an all-fat diet. See these cups here. [points to random Styrofoam cups on his desks]. One hundred percent lard. Good with bourbon. [holds out a cup to Michael]
Michael: Oh, I’m good. Thanks. Well, this interview has been sufficiently derailed.
MJ: Has it? Or has it just moved onto another rail, a better rail?
Michael: Like the third rail. God, I SUCK at this. I’m gonna get fired.
MJ: Just relax, man. Take another sip of bourbon and lets see where this goes.
Michael [gulps down the glass of bourbon]: Okay. Lets get serious for a moment. What are you reading right now?
MJ: So, I’m working on Ron Carlson’s Five Skies, forgiving him completely for not letting me into UC Irvine’s MFA program; Audrey Niffenegger’s Time Traveler’s Wife; just finished James Lee Burke’s new novel Rain Gods, which, from a usually master craftsman, disappointed me; I always have a James Sallis book in the queue, currently I’m rereading Drive for like the hundredth time; uh, I’m in and out of The Bible, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star by Jenna Jameson; Twelve Greeks and Romans Who Changed the World is my non-fiction selection; Edith Wharton’s The House of Mirth; Coyote Blue by my old friend Chris Moore; Dexter In the Dark, which spawned that great TV show Dexter; The Crossing, by Cormac, he’s another one that I always have a book on hand when I feel well; and when I feel like crap I read a James Patterson novel, right now I have The Quickie next to my bed; and I always have a Nicholas Sparks book on-hand in case I need to get in the mood to blow my brains out… lets see…that might be it.
Michael: Wow. That’s quite an impressive list.
MJ: I’m an ADD-reader.
Michael: What are you listening to?
MJ: At the moment? The voices in my head. No, really. I am obsessed with Pandora. Let me check. The last station I played was The Jayhawks. Love them. Then Pandora played Son Volt. I listened the crap out of “Trace” and “Wide Swing Tremolo”.
Michael: Those are albums, right?
MJ: Really? You have to ask that?
Michael: I’m just clarifying for the zero people who will read this.
MJ: Listen. If anyone out there doesn’t know that “Trace” and “Wide Swing Tremolo” are Son Volt albums, they can kiss my pretentious–
Michael: Whoah! MJ, this is wordpress. A kid-friendly blog host.
MJ: Well then, F*&% them too!
Michael [clears throat]: I remind the non-readers that the opinions expressed and language used by the author and contortionist MJ Greenwald are not those of Viacom Corporation or wordpress or any of it’s subsidiaries. Speaking of being bendy, you’re a professional contortionist, right?
MJ [laughs]: Only in the bedroom, son.
Michael: Oh. Lets–
MJ: I’m glad you brought that up, I love talking about my voracious sex life. It all started when I was six–
Michael: Um.
MJ: –and living in Scottsdale, Arizona and had this neighbor, she was seven, always loved the older ladies, but we were on my front lawn–
Michael: Yeah. Gonna have to stop you there, buddy.
MJ: Awwww!
[Look for Part II of Michael Greenwald’s interview with author MJ Greenwald next week!]