Michael Greenwald
I’m a dumb-a**. Those of you who know me, know this, and still love me (may love me due to this–heck, I keep things interesting). And those of you who don’t…well, I am. It might be ironic to say this in a blog post, but I really don’t comprehend the share-tech craze. Maybe, I’m slow to adapt. No, I am, for sure, slow to adapt, but I don’t understand the draw of Twitter, Myspace, and Facebook status messages. I mean, a) do people think other people CARE what you are doing every second of everyday, and b) do people want other people to KNOW what they are doing every second of everyday?
Twit: I’m writing a blog in my boxers which have hearts and balloons on them that my mother bought for me for Valentine’s Day three years ago.
I guess I should Twitter that. But a), I don’t think people CARE that I’m sitting here typing in only my special Valentine Day boxers, and b) I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT.
Is anything sacred anymore? Does everything have to be shared?
As some of you know (it’s not a secret, because I can’t keep my mouth shut), my dad has been struggling with bi-polar disorder for the past seven years. To watch a man you love, the man who made you, the man you admired before anyone else, fight and fight and ultimately lose his daily battle with this disease, makes me want to lock myself in my house and spend my days surfing the Internet, reading, and only emerge to take my dog on his walks or sit alone in a park somewhere and watch the clouds go by overhead.
In living in “the times” should I feel the necessity to “twit”: I’m laying on my back in the grass staring at the sky because I can’t handle the stress of my life anymore.
I’m writing this blog, so I guess I do have a need to share.
Through some self-reflection, I realizes part of my depressive reaction lies in the fact that it kills me to watch my father suffer so much. The other part of this depression, though, lies in a personal belief that I have a front-row seat to my future. Bi-polar disorder is genetic. I realize that fact alone doesn’t guarantee the children of a bi-polar sufferer will fall prey to the same illness, many factors must come together. But to know that I have this defect inside me, waiting, waiting, waiting for it’s chance to spring, is tough to deal with. To reflect on my daily moods and attitudes and recognize symptoms that are glaringly obvious in my father’s behavior, frankly scares the sh*t out of me.
Twit: I am frightened of the future. I fear myself.
Whenever I’ve been in a relationship with someone, I’ve always wondered why someone would want to be with me knowing that the possibility of me going nuts and making both our lives and the lives of our children (God forbid) living hell. I’ve tried to eradicate such thinking. But it’s always in the back of my mind. One of my lines in my novels, or in one of my short stories, I can’t remember, my character says, in reference to his wife leaving him and taking his child:
he understood when Mary left, he did, if he could have left himself he would have.
Twit: if I could have left myself I would have.
I always wonder if my mother had known what she was getting herself into, would she have married my father. And I guess I could answer for her: yes. Because my father is a beautiful person. He’s kind, giving, loving, caring. He’s sacrificed his dreams and desires for four children and a woman he loves. He loves and supports his mother. He’s been there for people in our sphere of the world when they’ve needed him. He’s always given up himself for others. I know I wouldn’t be where I am without him, I’ll tell you that. I’m a mess. I’ll admit it. Without him, I doubt I’d have a roof over my head, or food in my stomach or, heck, this computer I’m typing on right now.
Twit: I owe everything to my dad.
Which is why witnessing him suffering so much is so very hard. He doesn’t deserve this pain, no one does (well, some people do). I’ve tried to live my life in a similar fashion and at times I’ve been successful and other times I’ve failed, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll keep trying to fight off the demons that I know are in my brain somewhere ,waiting, waiting, waiting to come out and feast.
Twit: Bite me, Demons, I’ll bite back.
So, I guess I’ve come to a conclusion about this share-tech craze, too. I don’t feel entirely comfortable saying this, but:
Twit: I haven’t written a blog or anything else in the past two weeks because I’ve felt too depressed to motivate myself to do almost anything. I’m drowning in a bog of self-pity and fear and my swimming skills suck.
Twit: One thing I’ve learned from this blog is I guess I’ve realized I have the urge to open myself up and let the world look in.
–MJ
My Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=565105522&ref=name
My Myspace page: myspace.com/jonah14646
To view the Supernews video about Twittering that inspired this post, go to:
SleepSunshine 